I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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