I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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