The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
