what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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