new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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