like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
