I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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