I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
