I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
