i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
