i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
