saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
