He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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