Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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