It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
