so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need to sanitize my soul.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
