the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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