Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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