Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
