I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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