im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
