Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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