I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
