Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
