He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
