There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize