I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
