i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize