When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize