Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
