Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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