dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
