i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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