WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
