it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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