hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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