Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
