Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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