I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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