Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
