Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
