Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
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