I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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