when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
