I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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