theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
