I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
