How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got inside last night via doggy door
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
