Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
