Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
