I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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