Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
