If that was your dad, he is hot
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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