Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
