Three words: puerto rican gang bang
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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