Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
