I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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