Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
