great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
now i know why i became what i already was.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
