I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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