Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
