Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
