rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
