My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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