I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
