I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
